Things To make You Laugh

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If..."

...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

...people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

...the Pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys and two women stand up.

...opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

...a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

...the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

...a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

...Baptism is referred to a "branding".

...high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

...people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

...the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

...the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

...the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

...instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

...the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

..."Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

...the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?!"

You know you're from the Pacific Northwest When...

(According To Jeff Foxworthy)

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark -- while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

30. You actually understood these jokes, and will probably direct a friend to this website.